I first discovered Elizabeth Gilbert’s classic book, Eat,
Pray, Love when the film first came out in 2010. I was going through a similar spiritual/relationship
crisis at that time too. I found so many wonderful concepts in this
best-selling memoir. Love with a sense of detachment, use self-love and healing
every day, be open to more spiritual experiences in your lifetime. I learned
all these concepts and at one point I even began putting them into practice.
I guess it’s safe to say at that time I had no idea what a
true heartbreak was. At that time of my life when I first read Eat, Pray, Love,
I had emotionally checked out of my long-term relationship in a lot of ways and
wanted to make the journey back to myself. So….what the hell happened this
time? Why is this heartbreak so much more difficult? Why was this journey going
to be more intense than the one my naïve 20-something year old self had taken
before? Hence the end part of this blog title…Seriously?!
The aftermath of the initial shock and sorrow of the breakup/discard
in this story is not unique or special. The days, weeks, and even months after
Peter blindsided me were somewhat of a blur. If anyone has been through any
kind of heartbreak, you know how it goes. I took some personal days off of work
because I could not get out of bed from the shock. I didn’t think the human
body could produce so many tears. I was experiencing the loss of appetite,
going through motions like a robot or zombie when interacting with friends,
family, and coworkers during the times I was able to function. I was trying to
do some evening meditations so I wouldn’t dream about him. I even downloaded a
“no contact” app from an online relationship and dating coach to help me stay
strong to keep from reaching out to him. I had written an entire letter to
Peter that I have not sent (and will never send since it’s now deleted). You
know the one. The “closure letter” or the “it’s all my fault letter”…I had
written so many questions, apologies, all the lovely qualities of a letter that
reeks desperation of “pick me, love me, don’t do this to us, etc.”. I had the
ruminating thoughts “Well if he could just know how I feel and how much I hurt,
blah blah blah.” I didn’t send the letter, but the ruminating thoughts would
not stop.
Thankfully, I am so fortunate to have a big support system
in my life. I have the most wonderful friends and family surrounding me. I can
say one hundred percent I would not have gotten through these last few months
without them. Thanks to one of my best friends, I was able to get involved in a
musical not even a week after he discarded me. I knew I would eventually have
to process all these difficult feelings associated with a heartbreak, which is
what I have been doing the last few months. But at the time, being in the show was
one of the only things that motivated me to get out of bed every day.
I threw myself into this show with everything I had. I had
forgotten all the things that I was capable of. Singing, dancing, learning
several ensemble tracts….and laughing and having fun. You read that right.
Laughing and having fun. That’s something every person should be able to do
naturally, isn’t it? The last few months with Peter I have to say that I was
not doing those things (I’ll go into more details about this in a later blog
post leading up to the discard). When the show closed, I was forced to do some
introspection about myself and this relationship whether I wanted to or not.
Sooo…..I did what most people do these days. I went down the virtual rabbit
hole of self-help on YouTube and Instagram. Being a therapist, I also went down
the rabbit hole of my old textbooks from my graduate and undergraduate days. I
decided to see my doctor more frequently and see my own therapist. It was in these
“rabbit holes” that I discovered this term. Peter Pan Syndrome and Wendy
Syndrome. Granted, I had probably been introduced to these terms and concepts
ages ago in my studies. I never would have guessed I would be delving into
these terms on a much deeper level.
Peter Pan Syndrome. Let’s touch on that. The basic
definition, essentially, was men who never grow up. Granted, this is very much
an oversimplified statement seeing that Dr. Dan Kiley wrote an entire book
about this in the 1980s. You can find several articles online that outline the
characteristics and symptoms. But for my story about my “Peter”….here are some
standouts:
1. Difficulty with responsibilities and commitment
2. Narcissistic traits
3. Issues with work and career interests
4. Being self-centered but reliant on others.
5. Avoidance of criticism due to overly fragile ego
6. Difficulty controlling impulsive behaviors.
7. Avoidance of responsibility and accountability, especially during conflict resolution attempts
8. Female relationships: According to Dr. Dan Kiley, people with this syndrome have difficulty with maternal relationships and treat romantic partners as "mother figures" or looks for their partner to replace the motherly figure over time.
Towards the end, I am sure I became the villain in Peter’s story. He likely told everyone (especially the flying monkeys who helped blindside me) that I was crazy, unstable, unable to reflect on my behaviors, etc. (Again, I will go into more details about my own feelings, behaviors, and toxic traits I picked up in a separate post leading up to the discard). However, I have come to terms with being the villain in his story. After all, the villain character is much more appealing than the character I had to analyze and overcome. The “Wendy.”
Yeah….now it’s time to touch
on a Disney character I NEVER wanted to become. Wendy. Me…and how I ended up
here. As difficult as it is to admit, it isn’t enough to simply be angry at
Peter. It’s now time to examine how I ended up in this dynamic. The traits of
Wendy Syndrome….here are the “standouts” of these traits I began examining in
myself for this story:
1. They feel essential for others and like to think they are indispensable.
2. They think of love as sacrifice and resignation.
3. They encourage attachment and codependency in others (anxious attachment).
4. They assume a motherly figure with their partner.
5. They try to control others and/or avoid upsetting them.
6. Feeling the need to care for and protect others at the expense of their own mental health and wellbeing.
And there it is…in a nutshell. Peter
Pan and Wendy Syndrome. So…back to the initial question, how the hell did I get
here? And an even more pressing question…how the hell do I get OUT of here?
Just like in every story,
musical, etc….it’s best to start at the beginning. From a healing perspective, we
also have to start from the beginning. What were some subtle red flags I did
not pick up on when Peter first came into my life over six years ago now? What
was going on in my world and within myself that I chose not to see these subtle
flags? We have to ask ourselves that very question, “How did we get here?” if
we are to even begin picking up the pieces to begin the healing process. So……back
to this ugly metaphor…off to Neverland we go.
